Honesty Hour.

I like to come off as funny, friendly, and enthusiastic. This is the person I try to be in the workplace and when outside of my home. This is not how I feel most of the time.

No one wants to be that negative person in the workplace who continually complains about never having money, and how life sucks etc etc..... people want bright and cheery. I like to give the people what they want.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing these things and I should be keeping them to myself but I can't any more.

I'm extremely depressed. More depressed than I've ever felt.

I've had friends date ex's and at the time I thought this was the end of the world.

I've had family members die, and I've cried myself to sleep.

But I've never felt the way I do at this point in my life.

Everything feels extremely hard, and people always tell me "well that's life". Well why does life need to feel this way? And they'll respond "because life isn't meant to be easy". This talk makes me even more depressed because then I think to myself....what's the point then? Are we supposed to just suffer and appreciate the little things like getting paid a few days early, or a sunny day?

I don't understand.

I don't understand why I can be so incredibly unhappy when I know I have a few great things in my life. A boyfriend who cooks for me every single day, drives me to work and tells me that he loves me several times a day. I have an awesome dog who gives me cuddles every morning and every afternoon after work. Parents who love me.But I just cannot make myself happy.

I feel like it's always been this way though. I feel like, in my whole 23 years I have forced myself to be happy. Happy so other people will be happy. Its exhausting. I want to be happy for myself.

I don't know how to overcome this depression. I feel like this year has just been the pits. As much as I'd like to state all the reasons I'm depressed I'll just state a few. Money is a big part of it. I'm constantly stressed over paying off debt and working in a field where I can't seem to save any money. I'm also always stressed about my partner's money as well.

Another thing that depresses me, is the lack of friendship I feel that I'm lacking. I have friends in the city that I've been friends with since kindergarten....but they have their own lives going on. I used to only see them once a year, so I think its a big change for us to only be 10 minutes away. I feel like this has ruined a part of our friendship and it really hurts. I feel so alone.

This lack of friends, makes me want to sink into a deep deep hole. A lot of the time I find it hard to even go outside and walk the dog. I no longer like seeing people. Even strangers. I don't want to see anyone.

Lately, I've been having a lot of what I think are anxiety attacks? I'm not really sure. I'll just go crazy over little things like example: last night I went to get a new phone set up for the second time in two days (long story) and they set it up wrong and I didn't realize until I got home. And I freaked OUT. Then later that night, I went crazy over money again. Cried so hard that I got sick....I don't know how much longer I can continue to be this way.

I know this blog about depression, is depressing. But all blogs can't be fun and lovely. This is the poop stick part of living. I wish there was more magical unicorn today.....